Prologue- As you will see I kind of wandered in this blog posting as I wrote it. What you are seeing are some of my truest emotions being typed out as I think them. I have not written like this since I was last here in 2007. I am sorry if this was not purely on a single topic, but it is what it is.

 

I was not planning to write this blog posting while I was here in Afghanistan. In fact I was not sure what I was going to write as my next posting. I mean I am stuck in Bagram for goodness sake, so it not like there is a lot of excitement here or anything. This is the largest base in Afghanistan and is far more developed than another base (actually I will talk about that in the next posting).

Anyway, while on this trip I decided to catch up on some reading I have wanted to do. I get lots of books, movies, documentaries, etc. to read and watch and maybe do reviews on. I get them free of charge and 99% of the time without asking. The offers come unsolicited. In fact I have two book reviews in draft status that I need to finish. But I need the books and my notes with me. Something I did not bring on this trip in order to pack light.

What I did bring with me was two of the books that I have had for the longest time but just have never gotten around to read because of the review copies coming in and my need to read them before I usually interview the authors on You Served Radio. These two books I brought with me are very special. For one thing I actually bought these books because I wanted to read them. The second thing (and the reason they are special) is because they are both written by good friends of mine. One is The Blogs of War by Matt Burden from Blackfive.net fame and the other is House to House by David Bellavia.

David actually lives near me (less than 30 min away) and we have always talked about linking up and I promise we will one day soon. David has been recommended for the Distinguished Service Cross and the Medal of Honor and both are still pending. He has already been awarded the Bronze Star and the Silver Star. David and I have spent hours (and I mean hours) on the phone talking about different things. We are working a couple different side-business deals together, but we also talk about Iraq, Afghanistan, combat in general and leaders (both political and military). His book, like Matt’s has been on the nighstand next to my bed for way too long. As I was packing for this trip, I knew those were the ones I wanted to bring. I would have plenty of time to read them and they have been long overdue.

I am currently half-way through Matt’s, but the other day I could not find it where I thought I put it so as I was leaving my room I grabbed David’s and figured I would at least start that and have something to read. That was three days ago. I just finished its 312 pages today. I could not put it down. Now, I will do a book review on it, but not in this posting. However I promise you David that it will not be as delayed as it was for me to read your book.

The real reason for this posting is because of where I was, why I am here and what I was reading and how all of those came together. Without giving away too much about the book, let me just say that David goes back to Iraq after he was there as a soldier. He sort of goes to bring closure, actually that is probably the main reason why he does it. I am reading this part near the end of the book and reading how he had to do this trip, how he had to return, etc. while I myself am sitting in Afghanistan for the first time since I left here as a soldier. Like David who was not a soldier anymore when he returned to Iraq, I am no longer in (having retired) now when I am back in Afghanistan. I, like David, felt a little out of place here as a guy in tactical cargo pants and not ACUs. I don’t “fit in” with the soldiers here. I do with the many contractors, but not the soldiers.

So I am reading the book and how David had to bring closure at the expense of his little boys trust and emotions. How his son was angry with him for going back, and how he scolded David upon his return and a wave of emotions overtook me. As I sat at a picnic table in the middle of a secured compound full of A-type personality warriors, I desperately tried to keep reading even though the words were getting blurred from the tears pooling up on the inside of my Oakley sunglasses.

I used every muscle to hide the fact that I was crying as I sat there and did just that. I read how his son Evan told David that he was not allowed to go back and that the reason that David made it through this second trip to Iraq was because Evan “saved” him. Yes words like that just kept the tears coming.

It is not that my situation is 100% similar to David’s, but I felt many of the same emotions that he did and I can relate to others. I didn’t really come back here for closure. I am here doing my job, which thankfully is going to lead to some soldiers lives being saved one day soon. However by being here, the feeling of a need for closure sort of comes with it. I have written several times since I have been on this trip how certain actions, smells, sights, etc. have brought back memories or flashbacks. I am not sure if that is really closure, but it is something. I would have loved to gotten down to my old stomping grounds in Paktika and Ghazni provinces while I was here. I would have loved to see where I used to live, and I guess that is a desire for closure. However my job here this time does not warrant me going out into bad guy country.

If you ask my wife she may tell you that I am still in Afghanistan sometimes in my heart. She knows I was I was excited about this trip. She knows that I have a bond that is tighter than blood and marriage sometimes with the guys I served with. On the night of my retirement party I told several of them that I would be there for them anytime, anywhere. Now, I may have been slightly intoxicated at that moment, but they know I meant it. I did then, and I still do now. A part of me lived, flourished and died in Afghanistan. And those guys were with me every step of the way. That is normal for someone in combat I believe. I will always have a connection with this country regardless of how it turns out in the future.

So as I finished up David’s very awesome book, the tears started to dry up and I just sat there. I wondered what kind of emotional event I just went through. What brought all that on? I was not sure at the time, but what I was sure of was that I had to write this blog posting. As I started writing a realization came to me, I think I know why I cried. I cried for what I believe some of the same reasons that David did in the book. The bond with warriors in warfare is tighter than anything. Once we go through it with comrades we are closer than anyone can comprehend. We want to be with those guys, again, all the time, back in the hell of combat. However we have lives, we have families, we have dreams, plans and passions that are not conducive with war.

I believe it is the tearing apart of our souls by those two worlds which bring grown, tough men to tears. I so bad want to be with Puss, Prophet, Mouse, Rog-O, Bid D, Face, Smoke, The Dude and others again. Standing together, side by side in the shit. However I also want to be at home coaching my youngest’s hockey team, and going on date-nights with my wife, and helping my middle son pick out a college and all the other things we do in normal life.

One man cannot do both over a sustained stretch of time. It is either one or the other. The adrenaline, the “high” we get from combat cannot be had on a regular basis if you want to be a father and a husband. Those times in the past with people trying to kill me and me trying to kill them are just that…in the past. They are memories now and stories around the campfire once a year when my team reunites for our annual reunion camping trip. So yes, that is why I think you see warriors and ex-warriors cry sometimes. We want both worlds, yet we can’t have them both. So we are sad to be away from one, but cry tears of joy that we have survived to be with the other.

 

Bouhammer Out..