Bouhammer Note- The posting below was written by my very good friend “Moose”. I have known Moose for 20 years and we have always maintained contact with each other, even though we were both being stationed all over the world at different times. He has opened up his heart and his life in this posting. As he told me, “If one person’s life is saved or changed because of reading this, then it is all worth it”. The reality is that many senior leaders are intimidated to never seek help or are just plain scared too. We hear stories all the time of both NCOs and Officers taking their own lives when they think there is no other option. This is why Moose wrote this posting. To hopefully show that there is always hope, there is always another option, and taking one’s life is never an option.

Even though I have known Moose for so long and we have spent hundreds of hours together I never knew about a lot of this until he sent this letter to me a couple of weeks ago. I was emotionally moved after reading it, because my heart went out to him. I love him like a brother and consider him one. The story you are about to read is a grown man, a family man, a soldier and a leader who even though he is not currently leading troops shows that he still cares for all soldiers. It also shows that he is willing to expose every deep dark secret he has in order to save their lives or at least turn their lives around before they make the mistakes he has made.

Life in the Military as a Senior Non-Commissioned Officer

(The Life of Moose)

At a very young age I was forced into being different, wanting to be a part of something. Wanting to be loved, and just cared for. I was molested (Raped) at the age of 7. For 7 years I was on constant alert, always checking my back, and making sure I never found myself in the predicament I did before.

At the age of 14 I found the release from this bondage, Alcohol was my new friend.

My family decided to move from the Virgin Islands to Maine when I was 14, again a fish out of the water so to speak. I quickly adapted to the Maniacs way of socializing, Party… Boredom was the great truth for us teenagers. What is happening, Nothing, where is the party at… Let’s go.

Blackout drinking was how I started my three and a half decade of drinking and using career. I soon found that I was taking things into my body, that I asked what does this do to you after I swallowed it down with Alcohol. The result was always the same, I became the center of attention at all High School events on and off school grounds. The crazy kid from the Islands, I socialized with everyone, manipulating everyone into doing exactly what I wanted them to do for me. I finely figured out how to belong, how to be loved because I had something you wanted. Alcohol and Drugs.

After turning 18, I decided to allow the local police catch me for minor theft at a local store. Monday I went to school and my Art teacher tore my 4 year scholarship to Pratt institute of Art in New York in front of me and the whole class. That Friday I joined the Army for 4 years as an Infantry man this was in April 1982. I truly joined thinking that Alcohol and Drugs wouldn’t be tolerated in our service, man was I sadly mistaken. Coming in post Vietnam era go figure, the norm was to use and drink before every morning Physical Fitness section. Then do it all over again the next day.

Soon the Army figured they needed to have some control, the urinalyses was brought into battle the use of Drugs in the Military. Being a smart Alcoholic I found out how long something stayed in your system and used these items totally gambling on when the next piss test would happen. I was lucky for 28 years.

As the years went on, I knew I had a problem; I was always the one the guys would have to help into the Barracks, the one that ended in Czechoslovakia on a train, before the wall came down. It seemed that I had a problem, so I attempted numerous times to stop drinking. 4 years in the service I decided to get married and have two sons join me in my insane world. That lasted 13 years before she decided I was hopeless, helpless and completely out of control. This completely devastated me so I enrolled into an Army Re-hab center in Georgia, with the intent of fixing myself so I could get my family back.

I stayed dry for 15 months, and one day while sitting the beach in North Carolina a voice said in my head, you don’t have a drinking problem, you got sober for you’re soon to be x-wife. This started another 8 year binge. I took all my baggage and decided to take another woman hostage, never clearing any wreckage of my past. By this time I had 18 years in service and holding the rank of sergeant first class. Completely out of control, I was introduced to pain medication for the injuries I had acquired while in the service. My current wife was starting to get on my case about not coming home at night, drinking and driving and forgetting almost every aspect of our life. Then opiates came into my life, like God himself was answering my prayers. I soon made Master Sergeant and became a leader of 240 Soldier companies; the entire time I did this I was high. I had stopped drinking completely by this time for over four years. In the Military the Doctors didn’t care about who you were, just that you could be in and out of their office in 10 minutes. Next!

All this time no one knew I was a full fledged addict, only myself. Six years had gone by in a blur, two tours to War and one peace keeping mission. Still using, by the time I came back from Iraq this last time, I found myself held up in my room. Smoking marijuana at times and taking massive amounts of Oxycotin. I was drinking Vodka every day, my existence had become the nightmare I had so wanted it to be. Self sabotage was my watchword, stealing, lying and cheating; it seemed normal.

Now I was about to be promoted to the highest rank an enlisted Soldier could obtain, and I was miserable. The addiction had taken over every aspect of my logical thinking, my decision making process was completely distorted. I wanted to stop so badly, but I just couldn’t allow myself that peace and serenity.

In 2009 I was read a charge sheet by my commanding officer. The charge was solicitation of a controlled substance from lower enlisted Soldiers. That day I had an out of body experience, and the moment of clarity that AA s talk about in the program. I said I had a problem and that I need help, it felt like I was sitting in a bathtub full of nasty water and he pulled the plug. 35 years of distrust, manipulation, and horror drained into the sewer.

I went to rehab in California, and came back to Hawaii and did a two week program with the Military substance abuse program. Then I was told to go back to a different job, because needless to say I was fired from the previous one. This is where the wreckage of my past hit me like a ton of bricks. I started to lose my mind, and all I could think off, was to remove the obvious problem, me.

After 10 days in the psych ward and now on anti-depressants, I found a sponsor, we started working the steps and needless to say I was put into service. After surrendering to a higher power, and working the steps of AA with another alcoholic, only then have I come to know the word serenity and the sense of peace I have been looking all my life. I have just over a year of Sobriety, which is a true testament that this program works, a miracle on earth. I have received punishment for my actions, and I might be told to retire, but this is all good. I choose today not to dwell on the past, or shut the door on the future; I choose to live in the present because this truly is Gods gift to me.

One door closes another opens, for a reason I might not see right now, but in Gods time it will be clear. In closing this letter, I truly would like to thank this program, and the young Soldier that turned me in the day in February. She saved my life, my marriage and I have found a place I finally belong.