From about month four or five in Afghanistan (which would have been about Sept or Oct.) all I wanted to do was get home alive and get all my guys home alive. We had already lost several ETTs at that point and the threat to me and my team was greater than it had ever been. What I wrote about in my blog was not even close to some of the things we saw and went through. As the months got closer to going home I found myself hating Afghanistan, the Afghan people, the Afghan army soldiers, the Afghan police, and everything about the place more and more. I also found myself pretty much not liking anyone that was not in my team. In fact, the last brigade team chief we had said that my team was a whole bunch of unsociable a-holes, in which our response was “ we aren’t unsociable, we just have standards”. We expected to be frustrated with the ANA, and have them push our patience, but we were not expecting to have such incompetent US soldiers in different positions of leadership and influence. Everyone on my team had the same feeling about the situation; why were we saddled with so many US soldiers that most of did not belong in the Army, much less in a combat zone.

Puss, Prophet, Loon, Mouse, Face, Big-D, Rog-O, me and most of the rest all got stressed out so many times at fighting battles every where we turned. Fighting battles with trying to get the ANA to do the right thing, fighting with the enemy, but the worst was fighting with our own US forces in our task force to try and do the right thing and the tactically smart thing. There were many cusswords said, things thrown, walls punched, tires kicked, and other forms of releasing stress. Yet despite that, despite hating that place and everything about it with every inch of my body….I miss it.

I thought it was just me, and for a while I thought it was just a phase. I have been feeling this way for over a month now and thought the feeling would only last a short time. However it is still with me. I have taken a lot of the time over the last month to talk to many guys that were with me. Friends that were on my team, and friends that I deployed with but were in other parts of the country. I think 100% of the ones I have talked to all feel this way to some degree. It is good to know it is not just me. We all love our families and love our lifestyles back here, don’t get me wrong. But we miss each other, we miss the camaraderie, we miss the adrenalin, we miss the rush, we essentially miss Afghanistan. We don’t miss the idiot US soldiers making dumb decisions, we don’t miss the ANA soldiers that would never listen and learn and usually compromised us, we don’t miss the depraved lifestyle we would see the Afghan people live in, and we don’t miss watching our brothers in arms, both Afghan and US, get ripped apart and die in front of us. I don’t know about the rest of them but I have a feeling of guilt with this. I should not feel this way and I should be glad to be home and back with my family. I did my part during this war and since this is my 2nd war in 20 years of service I think I did my part in the Army. However I do feel guilty because I know how many bad things are there and how many things there that I hate. I also feel guilty because I love my family and should not want to be there than here with them. However it is the daily, everyday hum drum life that is frustrating and annoying sometimes. Worrying about the grass getting too long, the cat throwing up a hairball in the dining room or landscaping duties that need done is just not providing the thrill that I once had. I liked it better when I woke up every day glad that I did not get woken up in my sleep by explosions and gunfire. Also waking up every morning wondering if someone was going to try and kill me that day or if I was going to kill someone else. Getting up early rigging the truck, grabbing a quick bite, a cup of coffee and maybe a Red Bull or two for later in the day, and then heading out on mission. Living that lifestyle where the only worries I had were those major issues and not the everyday issues of life back home was something easier to deal with. This is another reason I feel guilty, because it is not fair to put the every day stuff on Christine and not deal with it myself. Yes I did have to worry about life and death issues while I was in Afghanistan, but I would rather do that than deal with these everyday things back home which just don’t seem important in the greater scheme of things even though they truly are in our lifestyle.

So I do have this feeling of guilt, all because I should not miss that place and should not want to be there rather than be here. I hope and pray that those feelings will subside and let me mentally get back into the rhythm here. I think that is why I have stayed so busy since I got home. The week before last we drove down to Arkansas to visit my parents, grandmother, other relatives and hold a mini-class 20 year reunion. We took two days to drive down and three to drive back. Sitting in the car driving was the longest I have sat down since being back. A good friend of mine and previous battalion commander asked me a while back how I was doing and suggested that maybe I slow down since getting back. I told him I was fine but I did not notice that I was going 1000mph. I was not sure why I was staying so busy, but now I think I know why.

That place and those times are behind me now. They are nothing more than memories and good stories when I can meet up with the guys I was with. I have to let those times go and get used to “normal” life again, whatever that may be.